Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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