I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
