she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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