Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
