Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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