Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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