I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
