dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
