Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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