he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
