I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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