I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize