i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
