somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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