ugly people sure do ruin things
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
