I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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