I don't usually arrange sex via text message
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
