I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
