You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize