i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
