As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
