My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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