this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
