If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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