Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
