My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
