Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
