So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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