i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
