and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
