So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
