Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
