I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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