Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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