I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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