Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
