why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
