I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish you could order shots online.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
