Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
