So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
being pregnant is like rehab
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
