Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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