remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
