I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
