U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
