ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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