My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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