OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This house was built for laser tag.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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