the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
