she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
