rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
