my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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