it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
