Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we're making bets on your personal life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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