So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
