I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
