I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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