I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
