my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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