There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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